So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Randomize
