I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I think my moral compass just broke
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
