I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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