You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
