so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
