Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
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homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
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Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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