just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
