Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
