i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I licked your asshole in confidence.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
