I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
