oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
