True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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