When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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