I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
