We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
