Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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