it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
