Where is the hickey?
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
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We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.