I met the friendliest cop last night
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
These People Are So Awkward You’ll Get Embarrassed
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
These People Encountered Celebrities in Bizarrely Normal Places
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.