I'm being pulled over???
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?