she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
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