he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Bring me that man meat
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
