Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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