i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
