Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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