God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
