The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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