Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
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I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
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I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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