last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
