i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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