Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
