My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
