you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
