I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
