when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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