I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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