I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
