They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
