I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
