Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
