Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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