spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
