I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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