My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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