Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
