I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
