oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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