Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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