Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
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I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
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Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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