What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
