Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
