Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
this beer tastes like vomit already
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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