I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
