Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
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Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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