He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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