ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
