Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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