and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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